She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Drake has all the answers
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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