the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Come on in and take your pants off
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