i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
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