My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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