if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
