I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
