Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
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