Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
