It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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