bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
