my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
