God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
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