they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
