I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
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Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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