So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
