No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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