His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
You're earring is so big in my mouth
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
