The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
