Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
