I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
