at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just threw up on my dentist
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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