I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
