I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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