Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize