I molested 6 butterflies tonight
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
