It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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