Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
