Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
