he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
