i think my tv is drunk
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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