Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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