why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Randomize
