I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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