I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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