You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
