I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
