We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
he thought i was a dude.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
