Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
How does it feel to date your dad?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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