I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Found your dick twin last night
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
