She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
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I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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