i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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