I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
