ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
