I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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