omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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