WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
