I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
