The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
