Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
