I think my vagina is haunted
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Randomize
