im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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