chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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