I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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