does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
