There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
