I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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