i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
