If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
