I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
