my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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